Friday, March 20, 2009

It's been a week...

since being the diagnosised. ONLY a week?! My life has changed so very much already.
Look at some of the beautiful things I received from my students and colleagues & principal!
Seeing my cheerful, perky friends/colleagues today was a bit overwhelming at first. They looked so lovely and healthy! Bursting into my home carrying bouquets of flowers, bags of presents, piles of greetings from students and staff! Tears came too easily to my eyes and they both jumped to my side at once with their loving comforting embraces. I felt so sorry for them to see me like that...but that's my day...all day long...a roller coaster of emotions. And I'm used to it now. So much as changed in a week!

Everything you all gave me was perfect Slottshöjdens!
I will use my gifts and know that you all are keeping me in your positive thoughts.
After May and Maria had gone back to school, Maya came into me as I was absorbing sunlight on the couch lost in thought about all the wonderful things I received. She was so curious about all the cards and presents. We looked through them together, she's especially smittened with the book of sewing ideas! She wanted me to read the cards to her so I did. So many of the students wrote "so sorry"...she picked up on that and asked if they were apologizing for laughing at me when I couldn't climb the rope at gymnastics class. What? but then I remembered my father-in-law and I were telling each other last night at dinner about what we hated most about going to elementary school gymnastics! Neither one of us could climb a hanging rope. "No baby", I answered, " They are sorry because I'm so sick and I can't be their teacher just now."
Then THE QUESTION I've been dreading...
"Can your sickness make you die?"
Oh Please God, I thought ....don't let me cry while I answer her.
Deep breath, "Yes it can, but it won't because I have lots of things I still want to do in my life...I want to sew things with all my fabric (start with an easy thing), I want to plant lots of things in my garden, I want to watch you grow into a beautiful woman and I want to be old with Pappa and move our bed into the TV room so we don't have go up and down the stairs." (She thought that was funny.) I asked her if she wanted to know the name of my illness.
She nodded yes.
"It's called cancer," I replied. Maya made her hands into fists and PUNCHED the air...
"And YOU ARE GOING TO BEAT IT, aren't you Mommy?"
"YES my Sweetie, I AM! I AM!"
And then my tears flowed freely down my cheeks...

But not for long, because we had to eat lunch, clean the fish tank, and stick these little stickers into the Coop booklet so Pappa can get the knife he wants. (It's like a S & H green stamp thing for a short promotional period.)
Maya is not well, fever, cough, running nose...she's got a cold again. So it was a PJ day as you can see in the photo. This is not good...I'm pumping vitamin C and Airborne into her and me. I MUST be strong to start chemo! The mail arrived...a letter from the hospital. An appointment next Thursday for ANOTHER retroscopy (don't know if that is the English spelling, it's not the Swedish! but it's the rectal exam). The huge plungers they sent to stick up my butt to cleanse out before the exam were enough to send me into another anxiety attack! If I could I'd like to be totally drunk when Bo helps me put them in (remember that phrase when you get married?..."for better or for worse, in sickness and in health"...well Bo, lucky guy, is getting a LOT of the WORST part!) but I can't drink alcohol now. I'd rather not eat for a whole day before so I"m empty than have those things go up inside the most sensitive part of my body at the moment. SHIT...and I mean it, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! I HATE IT! On the bright's spring for real now...chilly still but the daffodils are poking up out of the ground. Crocus and snow drops are blooming! We picked out a ceiling lamp for the bathroom that will be finished any day now. And my in-laws are here and helping as best they can with their own tired out sick bodies! Maya is in good hands when I'm down or occupied. That's the most important! Bo has "his" people to talk to when he needs them. And now, it's time for bed. I have a cuddly visitor with me tonight...I'll have to make sure her germy breath is facing away from me. Bo is working night shift. I'm covered. I'm loved.
And I again Thank all of you


Lori S-C said...

you are loved! Yes! Good answers to Maya, mommy Carol. Keep positive....


Lori S-C said...

okay, So I was visualizing Angels heading over the sea to help with the healing. Then I was thinking that they could go right to the source and take care of it. That was a little disconcerting thought, so I think it be best if they hold you with their loving arms and surround you with love.
Hang in there girlfriend...


Patchwork Penguin said...

We want to protect them so much it is difficult to be honest..... as honest as they can understand. But being truthful with her and allowing her to understand and fight with you will help her through this as well.

Hugs hon!!

lizardek said...

You handled that conversation with Maya so well :)

Anonymous said...

I am sure Bo doesn't think twice as all he wants is you to be healthy. I remember my mother telling me that Rob had done more for me in less than two years than my dad had had to do for her in over 40...referring to Rob helping me with our 6th misscarriage losing babies #6 and #7 (I had to insert 4 pills and wait for a misscarriage and thought I was going to die - what was scarry is that thought was a pieceful one, not a heart-wrenching cry). But that was before God graced us with first Natalie (her brother Adam died) and then surprise - Ian! I am sure your conversation with Maya was one of the most difficult parts of this as you want to be honest and truthful but you want to protect her too.

You are doing amazing. You are a fantastic mum. You are strong.


Ruth's Place said...

Carol, just catching up now.

So sorry to hear your diagnosis. I'll be thinking of you and sending you lots of healing thoughts your way.